For this post I'd like to back way up to 7th grade for a bit. Back in March of 2007 I had finally figured it all out, I knew where I was going. I KNEW I was going to be a professional clarinetist. I KNEW I was going to attend the Peabody Conservatory of Music for a double major in composition and performance on clarinet and a minor in conducting. I KNEW I was going to go to the State Solo and Ensemble Contest my freshman year. Isn't it funny what we know?
In the car ride home I began reminiscing about the last four years of my life and how I've changed. I've always been a pretty mature person, so I never imagined that I could get much more mature. When I began my freshman year at Peninsula High School I was the chubby kid that, though he had his little group of friends, didn't really fit anywhere in particular. I was shy around people I didn't know and obsessed with music, the unpopular kind. I had been one of four freshman to make into the schools top wind ensemble, and to top it off the only one of the now only six people in the last four years who made it in on such a popular instrument as clarinet. I spent most of my time practicing rather than out with friends. I had jet black hair, fake of course. I was a bit overweight. I listened to jazz and band music in my free time. I didn't feel quite adequate. Little did I know that the next four years would be the defining moments of my yet short life.
The summer before I had gotten my first girlfriend, and that, sad to say, started everything. That year I kept listening to jazz, but I found that I wasn't the only one. I cut out the black hair. Oh, and I lost 60 pounds. I made it into the top jazz band on 2nd Tenor Sax, subbing also as 2nd Alto in the bottom jazz ensemble. I also began my first year in the Tacoma Youth Symphony Association playing 2nd clarinet in the Tacoma Debut Orchestra. Music had literally become my life, everything good had come from music so far. But it was just an avenue. Oh, and did I mention that I was now half deaf?
That summer I went to my second (after having had ear surgery a couple weeks previous) Evergreen Music Festival (for TYSA) and had the time of my life, meeting some of the best friends and best musicians I've ever known. Unfortunately while there my appendix ruptured and I had my first, and hopefully last, battle with death and pain. I was told the following monday after my rush to surgery that if I had waited another day I would have died. Fun stuff. I missed both weeks of band camp, which wasn't good because I had also been made the new clarinet section leader for the PHS band. I also had little under 2 weeks and 4 rehearsals to learn a field show that the rest of the band had already learned. But I did it.
Sophomore I challenged myself with AP Biology, but failed terribly. My life was on the rocks. I was no longer practicing much because my head had swelled. And my precious relationship was in tatters. Well, as you can probably guess, it ended. It was rough, my first breakup. But being stupid as I now realize I was, I jumped into another relationship which would actually change my life for the better. That year was my second year in the Tacoma Youth Symphony Association and on top of that, I had skipped a group and jumped the the second highest group. At PHS I was now Lead Tenor Sax in jazz band and principal clarinet in the symphonic band. The highlight of my year being that with my family and new girlfriend watching I had soloed with trumpet virtuoso, Wayne Bergeron--who can be heard in such movie scores as 2009's hit Star Trek and Pixars superhero hit, The Incredibles--with the PHS Jazz Band, May 15th, 2010. The end of that year was spectacular.
That summer I travelled to Washington DC with the Peninsula High School Marching Band to march in the Independence Day Parade, had my second ear surgery, and spend three days on Orcas Island with my girlfriend as a sympathy trade from her parents for her having been working at Miracle Ranch most of June and July. It was a great summer.
Junior year began rocky and didn't really get better until the end. I'll just run over a bit of it: I was no longer section leader, I still held my Lead Tenor position in jazz, and was still 1st clarinet, I dropped Tacoma Youth Symphony in exchange for a change of scenery, subsequently joining the Puget Sound Youth Wind Ensemble, oh, and I endured my second break up. Junior year kind of passed in a flash. It was good and bad rolled into one confusing torrent that leaves my mind wondering what exactly possessed me to do what I did. The really important stuff begins in March of 2011. My girlfriend and I broke up to my shock and dismay. Before this however she had convinced me to do something I didn't think I would ever do, something I did I believe just to make her happy: I applied to her alma matter, Miracle Ranch. Then I forgot about it. We broke up, kept talking, considered getting together again, and kinda just repeated the motions. I went to my interview in april for Miracle Ranch, there meeting someone who shocked me by shouting my name (forewarned by my girlfriend) as my first introduction to ranchers, my resident jewish friend, a friend I haven't seen in forever, and someone else a camper claimed I liked. Oh, and someone I would try to avoid. I was floored. In a year I had gone from just absent-mindedly believing in God to applying to a christian camp, and I was enjoying every second. I didn't hear back from them until June 6th, I was on edge the entire time. My boss called me in for a second interview and hired me on the spot two weeks before I was supposed to start. That summer changed my life.
Do you remember everything I "knew" in seventh grade? None of it mattered. I barely practiced, music took a back seat. I worshiped every night, now the kid infront getting other kids involved rather than the guy awkwardly standing in the back. I danced around on stage. I made friends that I'm convinced will be my closest friends till I die. Everything I knew was forgotten, who I had once been was pushed aside as I realized what I had once taken for granted. God was here, in my life the whole time, guiding me along as my silent shepherd until I was bowing before his throne. I had more fun in two months than I could have imagined. It literally changed my life. I was doubting myself for all the right reasons. Did I want to be a musician? Did I want to stand on stage just to entertain people for personal reasons? Or did I want to make a difference?
At the end of the summer I picked up a position helping to grow my churches youth group, now leading worship for a bunch of middle school-freshman aged kids. I've been doing that since October. In October also our marching band won 2nd place out of 15 bands at the Peninsula Classic Marching Band Competition and 3rd (correct me if I'm wrong) overall at the Tumwater Marching Band Competition even after our now well known band director for my first three years (though four years in total), Rickey Badua, left to pursue his doctorate and we were now under new leadership. I was made Lead Alto Sax in the jazz band and section leader once again. I had dropped PSYWE in place of a paying job as a Dinning Room Assistant at Miracle Ranch. For the first time in high school I've been single the entire year. In January I had my chance finally to audition (now for a music education degree rather than performance) for the Peabody Conservatory of Music, but I didn't go. It wasn't important. I had planned on applying to six schools (Peabody, PLU, UPS, CWU, Multnomah, and Northwest Christian), I applied to two, Multnomah and PLU, and got accepted to both; year before when I decided I wanted to teach I had decided PLU, but then switched to Peabody, then neither. I no longer had any interest in a degree in instrumental music, though music is still who I am. I'm attending Multnomah University this coming year for a double major in Music Ministry and Biblical Studies. I'll be moving to Portland at the end of August after my second year of camp, this time applying for High School Leader and Music Lead.
I think we make plans when we're young so that we have some sense of purpose, but then life changes. I'm no longer the timid freshman, or even the cocky sophomore, or the stupid junior. I'm not even the person I was at the beginning of the year. Change is fickle friend, sometimes it can catch you of your guard, but it's times like those where you have to rely on God, I know that now. Over the years there have been many times where I've wanted to shout to the heavens "GOD! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?!" But I don't, because I know now that God will never leave me. He brings you to trouble to learn; God will bring you, but he'll also carry you through.
I guess what I'm saying here is that plans never met aren't necessarily broken promises or goals I've never met, it just means that on the way there I decided I'd rather not go, and instead took another road. Did you see that I never went to State? Never, I made it my goal each year, but I always had some seniors above me or I just wouldn't practice enough. I'm not a performance major at Peabody either. Instead I'm the dedicated christian that has devoted his life to ministry. I look back now and realize that every moment in my life has been just another stepping stone, and they were all important. I regret nothing, because if I had done things differently, I wouldn't be who I am now. Sure, there are things that I wish I hadn't done, I may regret them, but in a small way I'm happy I did them because I could grow from them. Now is the time to move forward. Life and God move every minute closer to the next change in my life and I cannot wait. I've loved every second of pain and happiness, and I've loved every person involved. It's hard to believe that I could have changed that much in just four years; and if I changed that much, think about yourself? How have you changed?
With that I have but one last thing to say:
I'm ready to follow now, God.
I'm Yours.
