This is A Word from an Anonymous Lamb...
I, like everybody else, have baggage
that I don’t show on the outside. I’ve lived a life full of pain, and I’ve
overcome it in unhealthy ways. Like a bad stitch on a wound, the blood still
seeps out, and I’ve got bigger scars than I need to. I suppose I should start
with my story. My testimony. My first
true friend was made in late grade school. Fifth grade, it was. In seventh
grade, he betrayed my trust and used all that I had ever told him to
mercilessly bully me, in order to fit in with the cool kids. It lasted for
quite a while, until I made myself numb. I refused to feel anything, and since
then, I’ve never trusted anybody with any sort of depth. I made a few other
friends after that, but never got close to anybody else. Perhaps a reasonable
reaction, but it meant I went through middle and high school with nobody to
talk to. I dealt with all of the stress and hormones and ugliness of life all
by myself. I felt incredibly lonely and got involved with porn. That struggle
is something I still haven’t completely recovered from. Everything I ever
looked at only made me feel worse. Loneliness quickly evolved into absolute
self-loathing.
I became
more withdrawn and quiet. Depression was a serious issue, but I can’t stand
sadness. I didn’t want to feel sad all the time, so I turned into something
else. Hate. I overcame sadness with hate. It made sense to me. I discovered
that if you learn to hate a person with every fiber of your being, they can’t
hurt you. I didn’t feel loved by ANYBODY though, so I grew to hate EVERYBODY.
No girl would look at me twice, unless it was to tease me. So I grew to be
bitter and hateful toward women. I had no close friends and trust issues that
prevented me from making any. So that pretty much covered everybody else. I hid
it all of course. Nobody was the wiser. On the outside, I’ve always been quiet,
respectful, church boy. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. But that wasn’t me. I was quiet
because I was seething. Respectful so I didn’t have to deal with people.
Wouldn’t hurt a fly was just wrong. A gerbil bit me once, and in anger, I
snapped its neck with my bare hands. Typing that sentence, I can still see its
eyes staring up at me. It doesn’t sound too bad, but there’s something about
killing in cold blood, and watching life drain out of something’s eyes. It just
doesn’t leave you alone.
This all
brings me to my topic. Hatred, people, is a virus. It comes in through a wound
that isn’t healed, and not properly cared for. From there, it goes to your
heart and anchors there. It rests, small at first, at the center of your soul.
But it multiplies quickly, and before you can react, it spreads to every part
of you, and takes over. It’s dark. I don’t know how to describe the sort of
darkness that comes with hate, unless you yourself have been there. It’s
inside. You can still function just fine. You see the same as everybody else,
and you can even tell lighthearted jokes. But inside, there’s a raging fire
burning. All this doesn’t even replace depression, by the way. It’s still
there. You still feel alone and unloved. The hatred only serves to give you
hopelessness. It makes you feel not just that you’re unloved, but that you’ll
NEVER be loved. Then it reminds you of how hateful you are and uses that to
convince you of your worthlessness.
I wish
this were a testimony with reconciliation at the end. I’d love to tell you how
to fix yourself, but I cannot. God can though. He offers forgiveness and
redemption to all who seek after him. So seek him. Go do it. Dig and dig and
don’t stop. Don’t settle. That’s the only advice that I can give, and it’s
tough advice. I don’t even follow it very well. I still struggle with trust and
with bitterness and hate. In fact, I’m going to great lengths to be anonymous,
because I’ve never shared ANY of this before. I’m far too afraid to say any of
this publically. I still often feel as though I’ll never be loved. I question
whether or not God even exists sometimes. If you want to pull a lesson out of
here, it’s that being the lonely, bitter person only LOOKS like a good idea. In
reality, human beings are wired for interaction with each other. Not EVERYBODY
sucks. We NEED fellowship and trust. If you deny yourself that, it corrodes
your soul. Talk to people. Put yourself out there. Both science and God agree
with each other on that point. Fellowship is important. Forgiveness is
important. And most important is love. God’s greatest commandment. It’s the
opposite of hate. When you live in hate, you’re as far away from God as you can
ever be, and that is a dark, dark place.
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