Sitcoms Are Easy, Life Is Not: it's been awhile....

     It has come to a point here when the only times I write here are when it is late at night when I am away from school and therefore normal life--to put it another way, when I'm feeling reminiscent. You guys last heard from me last April when I wrote an extensive post about my thoughts on the How I Met Your Mother series finale. Though a slight departure from my usual ramblings, it is not without meaning. There have been several other allusions to sitcoms within my writings here, which should tell you all something about myself.
     It has often been a problem that when confronted by turmoil I do one of two things: I either run headlong into it, seeking to take it down like some kind of rabid animal (that is to say, I am too harsh/blunt), OR I turn and walk away. If I can ignore the problem, maybe it will go away. If I retreat maybe the problem will see that I mean it no harm and leave me be. I would like to add here that this is not the case for all matters, but a great deal too many.
     I will return to those issues in a moment, but before I do, I'd like to preface it with some backstory. Since you have last heard from me I have since returned to Multnomah. After my last post in April I stepped into "normal" life which for me meant a normal 5-6 day a week job, leading worship at my home church, meanwhile balancing many relationships I had left behind, as well as those that were right in front of me. It seemed simple enough, but as it would seem, I don't do "normal" life very well. I became bored very quickly. I loved leading worship and I definitely loved having the opportunity to step back into relationships that I had otherwise either not seen fully developed or had nearly left behind. Beyond that I became disillusioned and bored.
     This is an example of me running away. There were good parts, sure, but being on the other side now, I see my mistake. I became tired, relying on the wrong things to get me through. I left school, came home, got a part time job, took up a volunteer position, and had fun, but it wouldn't last. I don't know if it was that I couldn't see or if I refused, but the mistake was in front of me, it happened. I took time off that I assumed would be immensely satisfying, but it wasn't. I was completely and ridiculously exhausted after that semester, but instead of continuing to face the beast, I turned tail and walked away. They say when God closes a door He opens a window, and I'd like to think that is what happened. I left school and the door was closed, but I ended up having the opportunity to lead worship and have some fun; the window was cramped, and eventually I would get through, but it wasn't the best option if given the choice.
     There is a beauty I find in sitcoms and really just television in general that seems to envelop me. You have a small window by which you see these characters, but by the end of that episode the problem is either resolved or very close to resolution. It's so simple; so formulaic. I often claim that I like to look at problems very simply, but I position my life in the most opposite direction. I like to look at life simply, though I seem to put myself in the most complex situations. I want life to be easy, but I don't want to be bored. I want the simple answer, but I've been given the most difficult equation. As I mentioned before, I too often have two responses to my problems, crash into them or walk away. These are very easy answers to very hard problems. Life does not always present itself in simple 1+1=2-esk issues. Life deals in calculus--that is to say, life's problems are not to be dealt with lightly.
 
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     In late August I returned to Multnomah. Everything moved quickly. Within the month of August I decided to leave, put in my two weeks at work, announced I was leaving my church position, discussed the tolls my being gone would have with my then girlfriend, applied back to school, got accepted, and left. Do you know what assuming does? I claim to know, yet it always comes back to bite me in the...butt. See what I did there? Anyway, I left for school with too many assumptions. I assumed I would have a job waiting for me. For nearly a month I had been attempting to work with my current job to transfer to a Portland/Vancouver store so I might simply continue working. I assumed I would be able to transition from a working life back into a life as a student easily. I assumed I would be able to pick up where I left off with all of my friends. I assumed my finances would somehow work themselves out--though this kind of goes with me assuming to have a job. I assumed my relationship wouldn't fall apart.
     Needless to say, nothing went as planned. For nine months I had spent a great deal of time by myself, becoming isolated and introverted. I was more used to being by myself than with people, especially with people my own age, most the people I worked with being decades older than myself. I didn't take this into account. I digress however. When I arrived in Portland, it began to fall apart. Though I thought my job situation would be worked out, I was dropped from the system after only a few emails and even fewer attempts to aid me. Transitioning from simple work to being a student again was anything but easy, especially in the path I had taken. My friends, though they had kept constant contact and invited me in, had continued within their own lives. My finances began to fall apart with student loan companies claiming I owed them money, badgering myself and my great grandmother (who happens to be my loan cosigner) for money even though the error was on their side, not mine; this was not to be aided by my now unemployed status, nor the fact that I had become a commuting student as was driving significant distances every day for school. And the cherry on the top of the ice cream that was my life, after barely a month of me being away, my girlfriend and I parted ways.
     My life was in shambles. I wanted only to distract myself with tv and useless conversations about comic books, but the beast wouldn't remain sated for long. Though I could turn and ignore things like a broken relationship and finances, I couldn't ignore friends, I couldn't ignore school. I would continue to pretend like nothing was wrong, remaining emotionally distant, saying little about what was actually troubling me, only showing signs of wear on the outside.
     I spent the majority of the month of October attempting to hide the fact that though I seemed fine, on the inside I was one sentence or image away from bottoming out again. I don't have a crutch so to speak, I just like to pretend everything is okay. If you smile enough you'll actually start to smile, if you start to laugh eventually you'll actually start laughing; that's what I did. I put on the smile, I laughed at the jokes, I would convince myself I was fine, but the slightest hint of my broken relationship or problems I was having would leave me in a tailspin. The truth is that I spent the majority of the month of October and a great deal of November berating myself and breaking down panicking that things would not end well. This was new for me. Not the berating part, but the panicking. I don't really panic. I'm usually able to take things as they come and move forward, but not this time. Too much was happening all at once. It doesn't seem like much, but I had left myself in a state that did not enable my normal "fight or flight" responses. It is here that the normal lesson learning time begins.
     In retrospect I realize that my previous sentiments about my "last" semester being the hardest was total crap. That semester left me exhausted, sure, but this had left me broken. No contingency plan. No big solution to come up with like usual. There was no easy fix. It wasn't and isn't a "done and done" situation. One of the things that drove my aforementioned girlfriend crazy was that I tried to fix everything. Rather than just let things happen, rather than just sit and listen, I always tried to have a solution. It was "simple." I want to fix the problem, but some problems can't be fixed, they must be experienced. I'm going to sound so incredibly cheesy, but the quote that comes to mind when I say all of this is,

"That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt."

Yes, this is a quote straight out of The Fault in Our Stars, written by John Green who just so happens to be one of my favorite people--and no, I couldn't tell anything about the context of the quote, but that isn't important here. The point I am trying to make here is that pain doesn't have an easy cure. It will be felt; it has to be felt. This is a motto that I have fought against almost my entire life. I used to think the world was simple; all the opportunity is out there, it's your job to run to it. There is an extent to which I still believe the latter of that sentiment, though the former has been sufficiently stomped out of me. The world is hard. I get it. Really.
     Thus, I kept going. There was no easy fix, there was no walking away, so I kept pushing forward. I readjusted to life as a student. I even found a job. I have the opportunity of becoming the worship leader for a church in Vancouver. I found my place among my friends again. I stumbled through the remainder of my semester, but I made it. There was a point during which I lost excitement for anything, but even that I got back in the form of several new projects, but that's another topic for another time. I even got some closure on a broken relationship.
     No, I haven't learnt my lesson, I'm still learning. Not all problems have an easy fix. Life is an experience, not a series of math equations. Pray. I know you've all been waiting for me to say that with baited breath. I would not have gotten through any of this without God on my side. I keep saying "I" did this and "I" did that, but though I may feel some modicum of accomplishment for having made it through, I didn't do it alone. The only reason I made it is because God heard those prayers I begged out when panicking and answered them. Though not always in the way I would have liked, my prayers were answered.
     I feel as if this all seems to come from some naive person, so let me set somethings straight. I wasn't some innocent child before this all happened, nor did I think the world "honest." I knew the world to be a cruel place, I knew the problems. I understood there were things that couldn't just be solved, but in my ignorance I failed to believe that there were problems in my own life that I couldn't just fix. I hope you don't read this whole thing as if from the point of view of some sullied child, but from the point of view...of, well, just about anything/anyone else.
     For the last few weeks I have been sitting around during the Christmas break doing basically nothing, which has left me with tons of time to reflect. It's been a hard route, but it's been worth it. I hurt, still, but it'll pass with time. No easy fix. Since April I have remained silent here because I didn't believe I had anything worth saying on here. I wanted anything I posted, if I posted anything again, to have weight, I didn't want it to be something fleeting.
     With all of that said, I have some sincere thank you's to dole out, and don't worry, you most likely already know how thankful I am. First off, thank you so much to my mom for being there to talk or help me out financially, even when I didn't want it. Thank you to my friends who never gave up on me or left when I decided to be a complete a@#, you guys are really awesome. If you are a teacher I had this semester and reading this, thank you so much for passing me, it really means a lot. Really, thank you to any of you who put up with me when I wasn't ready to talk or was otherwise stubborn, thank you for sticking with me.
     So, it's with that I sum things up. Everyone acknowledges that sitcoms aren't a real depiction of life. Sitcom is literally a shortening of "situational comedy," which betrays fleeting. In sitcoms the problems are fleeting (though they can be difficult) and the solutions simple. If everyone acknowledges a fatal flaw such as that in something so popular, why is it we continue to watch them? We want an escape. Sitcoms offer to us what life does not, a complex problem with a simple answer. They are an amalgam of life's problems shoved into a half hour time slot once a week. It is what we wish life was like, but we aren't quite as lucky.
     So it is that I sit here, blasting The Hush Sound through my headphones at 3:43 in the morning on New Years Eve, writing to tell you that 2014 has chewed me up and spit me out. I've bottomed out and somehow gotten up again, but I wouldn't redo a single moment. Life is not a complex problem with a simple answer and I believe in a Savior who will always be there for me. I hope you read this and take something, no matter how small, with you into 2015. It's sure to be a good year.
     In case I don't write anything more for a long time, or ever again, thank you so much for reading and don't forget what I've written. Also, I deeply apologize if this whole thing is completely gibberish, it is almost 4:00 AM. For those of you who are crazy enough to read this so early in the morning I say, "good morning!" but for the rest of you are still sleeping or won't read this for many months to come I say Happy New Year.
     And as usual, thank you for reading :-)

-- Josh

That TV Show Ending...

     I'm going to begin this post with a metaphorical blunt knife, I love movies and TV. I do. It offers a sort of adventure that we can't really get in our every day lives. We like to live vicariously through these fictional characters. It's fun! TV shows end though. They all seem to end the same way, the characters go their own way, new things happen in their lives and it cuts out with some touching (in the case of sitcoms) or bombastic (in the case of some action/scifi stuff) music. It leaves us to assume that their lives ended the same as ours. When you get down to it, their lives in the show all lead up to this ending. The whole timeline of the show, especially in the case of action/science fiction shows, is leading up to the end and how the whole conflict will be resolved--granted, this rule doesn't always apply to sitcoms until the final season.
     This is where I run into a problem. As actual people, our lives don't really lead up until the end. We basically live day-by-day, sometimes looking and planning into the future. I just finished Battlestar Galactica, a show about this group of humans who loose their planets (this takes place in an alternate universe) and go on the search for Earth, the "lost colony." Obviously, conflicts arise throughout the course of the show, but ultimately the show is leading up until the end when they finally get to stop their search and settle on a new planet (you'll have to watch for yourself to find out where...).
     How do we compensate then? We don't really get a clean ending like a TV show. Our lives go and go and go, all the way up until we die. We don't suddenly start hearing music and everything goes black and credits role with our parents and friends names and such that interacted with us in our lives. NO! We have to keep on rolling along. We don't continuously think about the end though, that's the thing. We live day by day, not really sure of what the end will look like for us, and usually we are too preoccupied living LIFE to stop and think about it; I know that is certainly the case for me. So, what do we do then? The BIG adventure won't usually happen at the end for most of us, it'll happen over the course of our lives, so what do we do? We live life! Have fun while you can. Go on an adventure, whatever that may look like for you. No, this is not a list of things you should do before you get married or a list of dumb things all having to do with that so wrong of phrases "YOLO." This is a calling for you to go out and make your dreams come true. Go have an adventure! Climb through the mountains, travel the Amazon Rainforest, road trip across the US! Do something you've always wanted to because, remember, the adventure isn't at the end, it's happening RIGHT NOW.

Life After Death...And Taxes...

     New background! New format! And last, but certainly not least, a new NAME! Yes, I've changed the name of this blog, and for a very good reason--or, at least I think so.
     As you probably know, I haven't been very active on here for a very long time, over a year, in fact. The reason for that is simple, life got in the way. Before that I would use this blog to chronicle my life (in a way) for you guys to read. I would get on here and write when I got bored or felt particularly spiritual. However, this was before life began to jump up and down screaming, "pay attention to me! Please! PLEASE!" Well, I just had to pay attention, and it's been fantastic!
     In the last year some pretty big things have happened to me and to some of my friends. The last time you heard from me, actually heard from me (no a notice about "Messages from the Flock") was back in May of 2013. I wrote a devotional on...something; I don't quite remember what, but that isn't the point! That was a week before I would spend yet another (my third) summer at camp. Let me tell you about it....
     I went to camp and things immediately kicked into overdrive. Days blended into one another as I entered back into the hectic summer; though this summer would be almost completely different from the last. This summer entered a new relationship, an almost completely new group of friends, new responsibilities, and as always, new kids. It was a rough 3 months, but in some ways it was completely worth the trouble. Though originally only supposed to be the Paintball Supervisor, I ended up also being a Lifeguard, a part-time counselor, and a worship leader. It would be an understatement to say that it was difficult, but that isn't the point. This summer grew stronger friendships than I had ever had at camp, though I loved my friends at camp before also. This summer I made friends that I simply couldn't just leave behind.
     Moving on! Growth. When I came back to school I had left a new girlfriend behind at home, and entered into the most stressful semester of school myself and many of my friends had ever had. As those of you who know me are well aware, I am not the most studious person. I would much rather get hands on experience than sit and read a book or listen to a lecture for hours on end, this is why I love music, as it combines all of it together. Through the semester I began to realize how little I wanted to be there. I loved my friends at school, I loved the education I was receiving, but I needed time off. As the semester wore on, I eventually made the tough decision to leave school for a little bit, to give myself a rest.
     As of December I have officially left Multnomah University for a period of rest. To be honest I've had times where I've regretted the decision, but I believe it still necessary as I've prayed many times and I still feel I made the right choice. If I'm going to pay tens of thousands for an education, I want to be invested in it and get the most out of it. As of now I've returned home for a bit and have begun to help out at my home church as a worship and youth group leader.
   
     Now that we've passed that little story of where I've been, I'd like to explain why I've decided to change the name of this blog. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be an expression of myself. It was a place I could share my thoughts and things I thought people ought to know. With this comes a certain level of growth. From the time I began this blog in January of 2012 to last May, I've personally witnessed growth in my life. Since I'm continuing this blog again, I decided a name change would be a nice way to show some of the growth and that I think I've hit a new stage in my life and walk with God.
     When I started at camp in the summer of 2011 I was given the name "Nintendawg." Though at first thinking it weird, I came to love it, and soon after it sort of became a part of my personality. To put it this way, Nintendawg was synonymous of Josh. Since 2011 I would like to think that I've grown quite a bit, though you guys would have to let me know. I've been at camp for 3 years now and towards the end of this last summer I began to identify less and less with my given camp name. In years past, even when hanging out with close friends from camp, we would still refer to each other by our camp names. This last summer was different. We would often call each other by our parent given names, sometimes even mistakingly in front of campers.
     With all that said, when I came back to this blog, I couldn't easily keep it going under the same moniker. Nintendawg is who I was, and a huge part of who I am today, but the name no longer describes who I AM today. I've grown up. Though I will still answer to it, at camp and off camp, that awkward high school kid is now 20 and in a far better place than he was. It's not who I am anymore.
     The next step was picking a new name. This proved far more difficult then I would have thought....Just for kicks, here are some names I thought up then threw out: "Just Me and This Guitar...," "Once A Musician...," and "The Vinyl Countdown." These names all lacked something to me. The first seemed far too sappy for me; too much like a love song. The second seemed to sentimental, seeming to say that I've given up music, which I definitely have not. The third hit on something and was compared closely with the name I ended up choosing, "Life After Death...And Taxes...." Do you know where they are both from? Yes! They're both Relient K songs. I decided to play them next to each other and decide, and when I did that, the decision was obvious. Whereas one just talks about us not using vinyl records anymore, the other talks about how we are always forgiven, no matter what we do, by the one who forgave before we could even sin.
     There is a part in "Life After Death and Taxes" that says...

"Every breath that I inhale is followed by exhaling,

sure as the one who never fails, I know will never fail me..."

- Relient K

I thought this was brilliant! God will never fail us. Never. There's another part in the song that talks about living every day as if jumping off a cliff because we know that God will be there to save us. Later in that same verse it reminds us that though we all do stupid things, all of us, it doesn't matter because we've already been forgiven by the one who died to save us. As long as we believe that crucial truth, that Jesus came down and died so that we may see Him again, we are forgiven. 

     That is why I chose that as a title for this revamped blog of mine, because this is how I want to live my life. I don't want to wallow in self pity because I am a sinner, I want to acknowledge that Jesus has washed my dirt away and left me gleaming. Sin is death, but with Jesus we are given life after that death. Jesus died to wash our sins away and has left us gleaming with a light only He can bestow, so live like it! Live like everyday you're jumping off a cliff for Him, because Jesus will save you. Try and strive to be like Him and show this light to the world. The world is a dark place, and with Him we are candles in the night. 

     So, with that, I give you a new rendition of my old blog: Life After Death...And Taxes....And as usual...

     Thanks for reading these past 2-ish years!!! 

Life After Death and Taxes (Failure II)

The Next Chapter.

     As this summer began things were super awkward. Both Island Lake and Miracle Ranch had nearly completely new staffs with just a few returners, so those of us who had been at camp longer than just the short training week felt quite awkward getting out there now that we were the ones supposed to be inviting, not the ones being invited. But, fortunately, this did not last long.
     As the summer went on the staff grew closer and closer. Yeah, we had our little snags at the beginning and still here and there; but for the most part, we were close. Myself especially grew quite close to a group of solid friends--a couple of whom I had known from last summer--who would come to be some of the best friends I have ever had.
     It was definitely a much more difficult summer than I had experienced last year not only because I was now on college staff and being held up to a higher standard, but because camps is growing in popularity and we simply always had someone to cater to. Towards the end especially the difficulty mounted. Many of us, myself included, took on many more tasks than were in our job description, and some of us simply took on multiple job titles at the end--myself holding the titles of Paintball Supervisor, Ropes Course Facilitator, AV sound person, and Assistant Rec Staff Coordinator. But all the work was worth it.
     When working at camp you get this feeling that you are part of something much bigger than yourself; that's because you are. You are part of a sort of chain link fence that holds together to keep out those unwanted desires and beings. Now, in this chain link fence, the whole is only as strong as the weakest link, but the whole holds together stronger when someone has fallen. In times of trouble, you form bonds in Christ that you wouldn't have seen without the turmoil.
     As summer drew to an end, rather than deciding simply to attend college, I applied to be an intern at Crista Camps. To keep this story short, I did not get the internship because leadership felt I was called to be at school, so I came to school; this turn of events, though I miss camp, was a great decision. Though only in my first week of school, I have gained friendships that will last at the very least, through school, and had forged an even stronger bond with God than I had before. God did intend for me to be here.
     And as this new chapter in my life begins I've begun to look back at all the friendships I've gained and lost, all the friends I have left behind to attend college (some of which are my very best friends), the family that has supported me all these years despite my negative attitude; these are not memories to be forgotten, no they are to be treasured. I shall see my friends again, soon even, but as for everything that has changed, God does not dwell in the past. Jesus forgives the wrongs and moves on towards the realization of a greater plan, of His plan. I'm just one piece of that puzzle.


P.S. Just to alleviate some questions now, I'm not ditching old friends ;-)